a crap day

Fuck you Jesus Christ.
You have killed my soul.
I live for nothing but feelings these days and you must kill me with irrationality without sense.
I blame it on You Lord.
I don’t know where I came from but things are crazy in me.
I don’t have parents committing adultery.
I am not fucking poor.
I am not disabled.
I do not need anything.
But you must give me nonsense.
Lord You must make my life a torture.
Sanity and consciousness cannot be chosen or controlled.
You made it in me.
You gave me this like a sarcastic sadistic gift.
To destroy my mind.
When will fuck justify my anguish I am feeling today Lord?
Why do you create me to torture and destroy my self to death?
It was an explosion. Uncontrollable pain.
When will it be the last time I will stop feeling irrational feelings?
When will I stop exploding?
When will I stop?
When will my blood stop boiling?
When will I end my pain in me?
Regret is inevitable like a anti climatic ending but angst erupts later on.
I need to die Lord please take my life away today.
I need to end it all
I will never admit wrong and I need the comfort of hells fire to be satisfied.
I need to compare hell’s fire and reality there.
I need to destroy my heart.
I need to eliminate my soul and sensibility.
Maybe suicide will end it all.
They say no one committed suicide for any small little reasons.
And that the death is worth the end of any lame future.
How I wish I had the courage to die today.
I hope my courage builds up well in me.
How I wish I had no conscience.
How I wish I had no nagging guilt.
How I wish Jesus would pour his blood on my head.
How I wish the Holy Spirit would make my mouth foam.
How I wish I could bomb my church with Christians in it to prove my insanity and mental destruction.
I can’t cry.
I can’t think.
I need to kill.
Maybe take others along with me as well.
Like an evil mental person.
For maybe others need to feel what is pain.
Some need to be tortured to feel irrational pain.
Some need to burst reality’s bubble and enter the world of madness and truth.
Why is God not here or there or anywhere.
Fuck you God.
I cant repent like the rest!
I cant!
I feel i have no need to!
I need normal in my life!
I need to get out of madness.
I need to see normal.
I need to see a real entity.

He is not here.
He is dead.
God is in hell laughing with the devil today.
God is raping me everyday of my life.
Thank God I am doubting and dying inside.
Thank God that I am crazy.
Thank God I am retarded.
For oneday the world will know what crazy is.
One day the world will see what a tortured mind could do.
One day God will be seen as the devil in sheeps clothing.
One day His blood will spill on the world as poison.
And the bible will be ripped into shreads of ashes.
Pastors will scream selfishness and lies lies lies of their own tongues.
Christians will crumble like a huge fortress into a naked pool of human orgies.
Noone in particular is the devil. The devil is everything.
I now wait for the promised lightning to stike me.
I will regret saying this tomorrow but i believe this is true within me forever.

somethings i wrote only apply to that day. actually i don have to explain myself. wtever.