Poems

My God experience

2011-03-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

I want to say I am truly happy. my Creative Writing class professor thoroughly enjoyed my poem and said she enjoyed it, the most generous praise she has given thus far for any sharing.

Here it is. it's an untitled poem.

My God experience
Has been a cold silence

He supposedly lives in my heart
But I only heard of His silhouette's facade

I've become a ravaging soul
In a protruding hole

I’m drowning ashore
On a dry downpour

I'm flying on the ground
I'm jumping sitting down

Praying the game of God
Hoping to be blessed by the Lord

He is emptiness fulfilled
He is loneliness curfewed

Abide for you can’t hide
Submit or burn in the heat

In Him I am a perfect error!
And us in Him, that very unique factor

And because his story transcends
The future sucks till the end.

-

I’ve been through the days I cannot sleep if I do not read the bible and pray.
I’ve been through the days I was the only one at the altar with many staring at me crying my eyes out to You.
I’ve been through the days I literally cannot stand and slain in the lightness of Your ‘presence’.
I’ve been through the days I was addicted to You.

I’ve also been through the days, days you were not there at all.
I’ve been through the days I realized I was talking to the wall.
I’ve been through the days I laugh at my ritualistic religious repertoire
I’ve been through the days I give up and don’t give a damn anymore.

Then there would be the withdrawal symptoms.
The ravaging guilt,
The soul searching,
The repenting,
The return,
The peak,
The backslide,
The indifference
and then the repeat of sequence.

-

This is not me being easy.
It is not easy being me.

This complex is not me trying to get attention.
It is me trying to get attention on this complex.

a letdown

2011-01-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

the moment comes
between
the expectation

fear
only felt.

re:

2011-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

i hear your thoughts.
i have it too and just like you, i also feel like im alone on this
we are not alone, just separated by life
separated by the same reasons
forever by the same institutions
life has its way of being.
we meet if we will.
fate leave it as is.
because pursuing will more often than not,
make us look like desperate losers wont we?
which you are conscious of it i reckon
yes you are.
i apologize if i didn't take your advances seriously
i was under negative peer pressure from close friends
who, i know, have the very same sentiments
wishing they were me. you.

whatever deep you know
whatever dark you really are
i hear your thoughts
and we will be

fucking fingerprints

2010-12-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

it lay on the trackpad, a fingerprint.
like a ridged reminder of a time rendered into indifference.
a fingerprint of a dark demon demented damned doom?
hell no.
beautiful malicious and unanswerable design.
everyday
a death sentence.

evolve

2010-12-29T09:30:00.000-08:00

never grasped the way they put it
never knew their longing pursuit
never see why it iss such a big deal
never felt the way they really feel
it's just one thing, nothing to me,
but it's the world to them ultimately.
is there something within me, amiss?
am i floating in a dense shrouded mist?
always knew life is what you make of it
whatever it is whatever that you deemed fit
there is nothing that life is, that you don't get.
if in the beginning, isnt what is yours to beget.

Thank you xxx

2009-05-19T08:42:00.001-07:00

I learnt for now
It’s your eyes that defines.
The greatest defense,
The greatest offense
to everything you are too afraid to face.
The character you’d be!
But you will be so lonely.

repititive loner

2008-07-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

alone
need
cant get it
went crazy
got it
hated it
alone again
need
cant get it
went crazy
got it
hated it
alone again
...

out of range

2008-07-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

i am disgusted by a certain kind,
there is a point i draw the line.

i distant myself out of range,
there is no hope of ever a change.

so stop making so much noise,

shut the fuck up.

become

2008-07-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

why satan are you so alluring and beautiful.
why o lord do you sit
and hide away watching
and waiting for me?
my body and all its rebounding limbs are now foreign.
who have i become?
what monster manifestation?

Infatuation

2008-05-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Infatuation

We do the dance of the glance
You play with me
Or is it just me?

You are so sweet
But are you what you are
Or are you shit?

I watch myself
I freeze over
My mind races
When I’m near you.
Do you?

You are not a normal person
Cant talk to you properly.
Cant even begin.

Do you know I plan my life around you?
My every tendon and sinew
I did it for people like you.

You saw me that day
i saw you look
Deeper than the usual look

Come into my presence please
Talk to my friends again
So that I can look at you from the corner of my eyes

I need you for real
But do you even know me
I’d go crazy over a chance
to watch you live breathe and do your thing.

I drive myself mad
All these waiting for you
Made me perverse
Because of all the filler thoughts
All the filler desires

I remembered you looking
I swear you looked
What does that mean?
Or does it even mean anything
Am I ranting about an empty void of existence?
or am i just thinking too much?

I know you live far away
Don’t disappear from here
Or maybe you should
To save me from myself
For I’m a creep
And I don’t belong here.

Serene

2008-05-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

Song called Serene composed by me for the short film, Damien's Monologue.

1
Love the way you are Serene.
Love the way you are Serene.
You are always beautiful to me,
You are always beautiful to me,
Will you ever be with me?
Will you ever be with me?
Serene O Serene…
Oh Serene…

You don’t see my heart Serene.
You don’t see my heart serene.
Do you know how much
I want you?
Do you know how much
You are to me?
But you don’t even know me.
But you don’t even know me.
Serene O Serene…
Oh Serene…

3
Serene O Serene…
Oh Serene…
Your hair falls on your shoulder Serene.
You sniff what you eat Serene.
You hop when you run Serene.
Serene is all beautiful Serene.

2
I don’t want anyone
With you, but me Serene.
I don’t need anyone
But only you, my dear
Serene…

Everybody is ugly really fucking ugly ugly ugly

2008-04-19T23:08:00.001-07:00

Everyone is ugly

Everybody is ugly
Really ugly ugly ugly
Really ugly ugly ugly

If you live with me and know
Will you still be my friend?
If you really look into my soul
Will you still be my friend?

If you know all my crazy antics
Will you still be my friend?
If you see all my lazy habits
Will you still be my friend?

If you discover all my dirty secrets
Will you still be my friend?
If you taste all my different seasons
Will you still be my friend?
Will you still want to be my friend?

Everybody is ugly
Ugly ugly ugly

Everybody is ugly
Really fucking ugly ugly ugly

Lellujah

2008-04-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

my God experience
is a cold silence

it's flying on the ground
its jumping sitting down

i'm a ravaging soul
in a protruding hole

i'm drowning ashore
on a dry downpour

play the game of God
and be blessed by the Lord

abide for you cant hide
submit or burn in heat

resign to fate
for God shall not be dead

He is emptiness fulfilled
He is loneliness accompanied

in Him i am a perfect error!
In every factor

because his story transends
the future sucks the end.

I’ve been through the days I cannot sleep if I do not read the bible and pray.
I’ve been through the days I was the only one at the altar with many staring at me crying my eyes out to you.
I’ve been through the days I literally cannot stand and slain in the lightness of Your ‘presence’.
I’ve been through he days I was addicted to You.

I’ve also been through the daysdays you were not there at all.
I’ve been through the days I realised I was talking to the wall.
I’ve been through the days I don’t give a damn anymore because I know you are not there at all.
I’ve been through the days I laugh at my feelings that were mere by-products of influence and innocence.
Then there would be all the backlash feelings, the guilt, the soul searching, the repenting, the comeback, the peak, the backslide, the indifference – REPEAT.
It’s not easy being me
And it’s DEFINITELY not me being easy.
Being complex is not me trying to get attention
I should try to get attention on my complexity.

I wait for the sometimes.

2008-03-24T02:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I do believe I know why I exist.
It was a moment.
It was a thought.
It was a feeling.
It was a person.
Whichever it was it would be gone sooner than you know.
Fade away and it’s gone.
I will no longer understand why I exist
Again.
And so once again I wait for the sometimes.
Again.

have you ever

2008-02-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

have you ever hated yourself for all the shit you've done to others?
have you ever owned a conscience bigger than your evil?
have you ever had a heart despite your incessant insensitivity. have you ever felt louy about yourself then hated god about it but still needing his refuge at the end of the day to sleep in peace?
have you wanted to die as fast as joy fades?
have you ever ponedered over suicide and subdued it's grasp with lust?
have you envied others and hated yourself? have you grew tired of living and breathing at 18?
have you needed to live a lie to upkeep acceptance yet believe god might not love you which ever choice you chose?

never?
fuck off.

rant

2008-02-03T08:33:00.001-08:00

the anger outbursts and hatred
the killings of other's self esteem
the trashing of someone's pride
despite my immediate guilt
things still never passed my brain but out from my lips.

the addiction to a flurry of negative emotions
oh the passion and love it is to dive
into misery, pseudo self pity and suffering
allows me to sleep soundly each night.

ah the beauty in the most morbid
the sensuality in blood and brutality
of lambs and rabbits that suffer
the most painful fate...

the constant doubt pulsating through me
and oh how it lets my guard down
like a shroud of firmness and discipline had slipped loose.
i woke up shocked
at the horns i grew in the morning.

my hands still firmly tied back
unable to budge myself free
from this mental failure.

the loss really.the loss of all belief in myself
loss of all aspirations
loss of all control
loss of all hope

the flashes
anguish
sad
pain

i feel like a common animal
success no longer tingles my heart
God no longer exists in my life
friends become mere voices.

my journey

2008-02-03T08:32:00.002-08:00

I'll live with my passage
as the melancholy plays its slow
faded drums, guitar
raw sax and the Soul of music
aside the suicidal sultry crooner.

Maybe smoke although it is against all morality and spirituality
to maintain a neurotic numbness of the mind
to appreciate the silent moments frame by frame.
Of course the fog against the lights from the small chandelier must overpower.
I also need to maintain a stern constancy of societal insolence;
of nature, everything humankind indulges in.
And adopt compulsive depression.
I thus attain calm as pitifully sweet as licorice.

Alone no longer becomes something lonely.
I read and meditate on aphorisms on life beside a lamp,
Of love death and god.
With a greater open heart than I have for the bible
Beer at hand to intoxicate purify edify.

My tableau depicts a modern O'neil.
Fate as clear as the Turners.
I possibly suffer their fatal illness too.
Yes. That’d be good.
And I’d love to get drunk on write.
I die then, as a true artist to myself who should never be seen
~nor heard.

No longer lusting to be emancipated or fixed, I drift.

another dream

2008-02-03T08:32:00.001-08:00

I don’t know.
I had a dream yes.
Of things yet unseen or never to be
Unveiled to me are faces
Blurry
But they tell me something
Nothing of those like Daniel
But frantic they seemed to be.
Something real
Important and life changing

But I wake.
I am in a room now, listening to a lecture
I act as I if I had not been to somewhere when actually I did.

But little did I know-.

sizzle

2008-02-03T08:31:00.003-08:00

I sit on the seat with my head throbbing throbbing throbbing…
Mind racing and the anger burns burns burns…
To add, synergizing with another’s made my brooding moral.
I get spasms of fury as things replay in my mind like a spoilt recorder
As I heat up in a juxtaposing air-conditioned condition.
My heart sank as my mind elevated to a place beyond the cosmos.

I thought of things so clearly at the moment;
So much perspective…
So perfectly the sense…
So much perception…
So much emotion…
But all I hold back down here on earth is clenched fists.
I rave and rave in my soul
Playing with the drips of pain
And splattering it all over others.
I managed to pull away the syringe in my skin,
And managed to sizzle down
For the moment.

dilapitate

2008-02-03T08:31:00.001-08:00

3pm, corner of a space. bored and sad.
Weirdest thing I’ve written.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Ife is such a joke.
Living in a such, such indescribable mess
What sense is going on really?
Well anyway he world is ending and
God is -.
I am nothing really out of the rest of the world
As sophisticated as things can eventually get,
In the end, you are you and dog is a dog.
And I end up hating me
But sometimes I did it. Not me, get it?
Because I feel people more deeply when I am not with them.
I blame me.
Everything good are carousels in disguise.
So I end up licking the sordid lollipops of depression.
Little girls go go-carting suicidally.
Chances fail and trains derail.
Innocence is piss.
Destiny is death with a vision
Fate is a vision of death.
Predestination is a mere distraction.
Life is such a big enorminous joke
Suddenly nothing matters any longer!
People look for nirvana under the strobe lights.
I float undrugged out of my
Being being a being.
Just like how
Vulgarities LEAK
Parents DIE
Hearts BREAK,

Death unsatisfies
Life disappoints
Afterlife is -
All I can do -
And it is so natural is -
To laugh bravely and defiantly: ha.
Ha ha.
Ha.

road kill

2008-02-03T08:30:00.001-08:00

9pm, car.
I did not wear my seat belt that day as the car sped
I secretly wished to BANG!
I had no hope in anything
Nothing to look forward to
Nothing at all to believe healthily in.
Everyday is like another day the angel writes and writes against me in the book of life.
Everyday I just make people feel angry as I try to keep myself sane
Why have I not given the hurt I showered upon the people I love most, back onto myself?
Or have I already, considering my wretched soul.

Some days I wake up a devil or
I wake up knowing I was a devil or
That I was a devil 3 seconds ago.
Death tempted me
I just hate the thought that it might just hurt the people I love.
But I think the people love to hate me till I hurt.

blood boil

2008-02-03T08:28:00.002-08:00

Right now writing with
A stinging throat
Tensed short breaths
Heart ladened painfully with antipathy, torment and rage.
Eyes almost tearing and
My torso hurts.

I fall into this shrivelled curling gaunt mass of wretchedness.

The fragility of my world’s balance
Is tipped violently by my selfishness everyday.
My mirror reflects someone very repulsive
I would never want to witness myself
As I always saw myself exceptional.
I would replay nightmares over and over.
Then heave into another stratosphere of blankness-nothing.
Soon I ascend back to the morose reality and noting my patheticness
I would seemingly on cue, fall back into forlorn desolation like a fallen conqueror.
My self abhorrence would then peak.
I would critic myself unbearably
Reproaching me of things I really did
And then I would flounder in a sinister display of pain, suffering and misunderstanding
The need to die and let go
Inside my thawed spirit is obligatory
I think I called out to Jesus
But heard only echoes.
Sometimes I hear voices of benevolence
But they saunter away whispering. Judging.

I stand at the periphery of the balcony
In an empty room
Lamenting to thyself
F earning
U orbidding
C ickening
K ying.

her mess

2008-02-03T08:28:00.001-08:00

Every touch was torture
She wrapped his injuries meticulously slow but painfully tight.
He heaved hard looking straight ahead with a stern frown.
Silence.
She inched up to his torso and accessed another wound with her supple fingers
Overwhelmed with pity and guilt she attempted a little innocent peck
But before she could
He stood up with a violent stumble
And tottered off from the corner bench into light
Staring at his defiant silhouette
She knelt there cupping her broken heart
She failed.

I’m the moth you’re the butterfly

2008-02-03T08:27:00.001-08:00

Friends would laugh but I laugh with them
For they’ve never felt how I feel before.
Your joy seems to flutter like a graceful butterfly everyday
And my clumsy longing for you would trail you like a ricocheting moth.
When I see you, you are always full of that’s-why-I-love-you-ness
Your petite existence seems to be a big deal to me but you wouldn’t know it of course.
Your imperfections are just why I so dig you.
Your laughter is so avant-garde
And your expressions often arbitrary.
Suddenly you would make me go pop-
Like a pleasant surprise!
Everything about you is so awesome…

That’s why I never dare take you
In fear I might destroy what nature has so magnificently set for your soul.

Oh, and also because I can only get close to you in my dreams.
Cheh. But sometimes fiction makes more sense than reality.

standard love

2008-02-03T08:25:00.001-08:00

lets laugh and then cry.
lets count the stars.
lets huddle.
lets not care about the rest.
lets make love a little.
lets slit each other's wrists.
lets laugh at the pain.
lets gaze into each other's eyes.
and lets die together; as one.

poems 78, 79, 80

2008-02-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

Poem #78
I love rejections at the moment.
So noble a feeling to the affected.
So bittersweet and ravaging for the soul- like a healthy exercise.
Makes life so encouragingly nauseating it makes one humane and wholesome.
So emotionally charged that to me it becomes morbidly soothing
More soothing than anything that theoretically sooths.
So sensual, it shudders.
So frustratingly liberating it makes thing very real.
I love getting disappointed.

Poem #79
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no despair.
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no heartbreak.
Its better to be lonely
Loneliness brings no letdown.

But loneliness brings jealousy.

But jealousy is materialism
Secular
Unnecessary.
Degradatory.

poem #80
Tortured,
I sit on the devils’ carousel
The tinkling of its melody comes to me as frightening
Stuck in unyielding rotating dizziness

Reaching down with my hands on the earth again
Grasping groping the gravel
To stop the revolutions
Turning against my will
My fingers battered and bled
And my fingernails got fleshed
I retracted my arms and moan in agony
But I jammed my arms down into the earth
With doubt yet with will power
To stop the revolutions once more
Turning against my will.

I bleed to death
Noble
Brave
Adamant
I thawed to an unknown.

another lapse

2008-02-03T08:22:00.001-08:00

Cursed
Broken
Miserable.
This is just a long phase to endure.
Empty prayers every night
As I crave to be right
Or to wake up invigorated like never before
But I simply get embedded deeper into this shit.
I grasp onto a vague shadow of hope. I rummage through different excuses to live for another day.
I hold comforts in sin and the obscure
Because its biting wholesomeness and authenticity
Draws me.

lolita

2008-02-03T08:21:00.002-08:00

Stood against all the other ladies who tried to stir men like me
Her bee stung lips is flushed with dull disposition.
Drug abusing façade makes me envisage her raped past.
Sultry solvent eyes with luscious swollen eye bags as black as night lingers
Silently.
Wearing all the cheap wrong clothes.
Her unkempt chopped hair suits my unkempt mind.
Her imminent sadness eludes attracts me like Egyptian mirth and oils.
Her head seem to be born downwards looking.
Her skeletal fingers crumple alongside each other.
Her ashen skin radiates her inner lacklustre soul.
She has lost all optimism of personal preservation
It romantically parallels mine.

Oh how much I hanker after you but what the fuck-
You’re still 7!

shake me like demon possession

2008-02-03T08:21:00.001-08:00

Bitterness fills my miserable fucking heart right now
Fuckingly again.
Like an occasional fit or a repetitive momentum what the fuck.
I thus had to unleash this resent like captive wild animals
I had to release my verbal diarrhoea
For they creep up from my inner most self and shake me like demon possession.
Fuck everything I say for they serve no purpose so far
More importantly are solutions.
Rehabilitation of the soul, mindset and psychological consciousness cannot be repaired by a counsellor for he would hold a different consciousness.
God is also not a solution when the problem is the source as well.
The ultimate solution for anything now is suicide.
Yes I'm back with my hobby: mulling over on how I can silence myself.
Something so resolute and ultimate.
So peaceful and so proving.
People fucking rant that it's the most stupidest thing to do blah blah blah
But think about it in a concerted perspective:
Trading your currant life is the greatest sacrifice to attain greatest release.
Hell/Heaven might not even exist. Even mother Theresa pondered so. Twice.
"Better to be safe than sorry" is hypocritical and wrong in motive hence you would end up in hell anyway.
If the Trinity was one entity, Jesus commited suicide.
Suicide might just be the greatest answer, release, freedom, act or ending for universal unrelinquishing pain.
For pain fights pain most effectively and resolutely.
Now in a dazed realm of fucking emotions which sometimes can be detachedly beautiful,
I ponder on the sanity of my efforts:
If death isn't on your mind than you must be in another consciousness entirely materialistic, debted, faith based, or mood based.
For nothing meaningful is real if not foundationalized by the above mentioned.
Cheers to death.

i love

2008-02-03T08:17:00.002-08:00

I love helicopters. Sexy creatures of the air. Kill me with your blades.
I love birds. I wish you fly like helicopters. That way you’d be God’s perfect creation.
I love damselflies too. I catch them when i was young. Regretted tearing off their wings in the school garden after each encounter with them. The moon moans for them every night by singing the song of life.
I love non flowering plants. Like ferns. So understated their beauty. Like a beautiful sad girl who was present for a moment and then lost by the gathering of public transport commuters.
I love frogs. Duh. My soul is a frog. You can hear it. Sometimes. When I burp.
I love eggs. Especially the yolk. So subtle and round. Cute. Like a yellow pug.
I love electronic. Static synthesizer sounds. Like retro future. Pure psychedelic drugged esctacy.
Lastly I love sadness. There is so much wisdom and thought when people romancing with it. Gives you a magical lump in your throat.

the wren

2008-02-03T08:17:00.001-08:00

Against stirring movements and intensity
She appeared forlorn
Her glistening eyes gaped into the chasm where my sensitivity heightens.
She needed someone else.
That chinese kate moss
She stood up like subdued grace with a shamble
And her mini dress unravelled a tapestry of maroon roses and mint
Sensuous satin crinkled as my imaginary fingers followed the curves
Soft supple baby skin
Like a dream
Her bob nodded
And her drop dead gorgeous legs unfolded downwards itself thereafter
Subsequent skin muscle lines frisked under the crimson shadows against yellow
Tenderness and gentility dawned upon me about her like a waltz
I’m in love.

Caged Bird

2008-02-03T08:16:00.001-08:00

My mind sloshes
With bullets in my brain
I shot them in myself
And embraced its enduring damage

Its love to me
A perfect world
A surreal realm very diverse from the agony here
I skip into this threshold everyday
And refuse to leave this refuge of enthralling semi consciousness
For just imagine, bottle capped delight
Recurring races with heightened senses
And hackneyed sniffles as sinuous as a tributary stream across the face
Only I can understand.

I grapple ever so firmly
Of the dream that its essence
would become more tangible than it ever was before.
Some days of a rare upon a rare
I would catch a pee shiver of something so close to real
I could even hear the breathing of the concept
It would flush my heart into a more comfy chasm
For an entire day or at least a few good hours
Like a little thrill in life that
Often gets elapsed by the nudges of realism
Hence wasted
Especially when the world falls back on you and all you see
Is that distant misapprehension
Sputter vaguely and then is gone.

Some days it vanishes before
I was even cognisant
Of its silent yet lumbering presence
And the sting of missing it by a feather
Lingers longer
Than any possible bodily harm.
This makes me prefer that desolate state of no breaths.
When the legitimacy of all the fallacy is disclosed
Just like a flower unfurling its toxic inner pestilence
To the bees it feeds.

I crash and burn
And I feel the pain of the bulletsin my brain
Wihch I no longer
Can withstand to embrace.
That too makes me prefer the state of no breaths
But that for now,
The sooner the better.

A poem about a sloth that is me

2008-02-03T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ignorance.
Laziness accompanies it suitably alongside
Often charmed by the eddy of music
Electro soul sessions of ecliptic rarity
Painted my silence

I note the glowing orbs that appeared and then,
Disappeared as magically as they came.
Lying tranquil
Eyes closed
I let my mind flowers blossom and flourish
Its aerodynamic precipitation crashes down with a single sound
Its icicle shards glistened too
Its aurora melts in the horizon
Its sea and sky becomes impossible to discern
They’re just shapes
Formed from my patterned wallpaper above.
Random
Maziac idleness
Laziness accompanies itmost suitably
Alongside.

A sudden disturbance evokes the urge to think
But the strong petition of daydreaming contained the latent quandary.
The absolutes prevailed
And I remained lying there...

a crap day

2008-02-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Fuck you Jesus Christ.
You have killed my soul.
I live for nothing but feelings these days and you must kill me with irrationality without sense.
I blame it on You Lord.
I don’t know where I came from but things are crazy in me.
I don’t have parents committing adultery.
I am not fucking poor.
I am not disabled.
I do not need anything.
But you must give me nonsense.
Lord You must make my life a torture.
Sanity and consciousness cannot be chosen or controlled.
You made it in me.
You gave me this like a sarcastic sadistic gift.
To destroy my mind.
When will fuck justify my anguish I am feeling today Lord?
Why do you create me to torture and destroy my self to death?
It was an explosion. Uncontrollable pain.
When will it be the last time I will stop feeling irrational feelings?
When will I stop exploding?
When will I stop?
When will my blood stop boiling?
When will I end my pain in me?
Regret is inevitable like a anti climatic ending but angst erupts later on.
I need to die Lord please take my life away today.
I need to end it all
I will never admit wrong and I need the comfort of hells fire to be satisfied.
I need to compare hell’s fire and reality there.
I need to destroy my heart.
I need to eliminate my soul and sensibility.
Maybe suicide will end it all.
They say no one committed suicide for any small little reasons.
And that the death is worth the end of any lame future.
How I wish I had the courage to die today.
I hope my courage builds up well in me.
How I wish I had no conscience.
How I wish I had no nagging guilt.
How I wish Jesus would pour his blood on my head.
How I wish the Holy Spirit would make my mouth foam.
How I wish I could bomb my church with Christians in it to prove my insanity and mental destruction.
I can’t cry.
I can’t think.
I need to kill.
Maybe take others along with me as well.
Like an evil mental person.
For maybe others need to feel what is pain.
Some need to be tortured to feel irrational pain.
Some need to burst reality’s bubble and enter the world of madness and truth.
Why is God not here or there or anywhere.
Fuck you God.
I cant repent like the rest!
I cant!
I feel i have no need to!
I need normal in my life!
I need to get out of madness.
I need to see normal.
I need to see a real entity.

He is not here.
He is dead.
God is in hell laughing with the devil today.
God is raping me everyday of my life.
Thank God I am doubting and dying inside.
Thank God that I am crazy.
Thank God I am retarded.
For oneday the world will know what crazy is.
One day the world will see what a tortured mind could do.
One day God will be seen as the devil in sheeps clothing.
One day His blood will spill on the world as poison.
And the bible will be ripped into shreads of ashes.
Pastors will scream selfishness and lies lies lies of their own tongues.
Christians will crumble like a huge fortress into a naked pool of human orgies.
Noone in particular is the devil. The devil is everything.
I now wait for the promised lightning to stike me.
I will regret saying this tomorrow but i believe this is true within me forever.

somethings i wrote only apply to that day. actually i don have to explain myself. wtever.

chiaroscuro of smiles and frowns, doubts and pouts

2008-02-03T08:10:00.001-08:00

submit your ego to failure
and the devil would be no where near you.
find comfort in comforts of this world.
for these comforts healthy or not
would be the most reliable source.
who needs eternal
when now is not even working.

onn suicide

2007-11-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

I believe that
no man
ever threw away
life while it was
worth keeping.

~David Hume

Fucking hell

2007-09-02T05:53:00.000-07:00

He heaved melancholic aching breaths.
In sordid darkness.
His head light like a drunken drug abuser.
With nothing for a life.
His soul is 6 feet under,
Suffocating with depression and emptiness
That would likely be his cause of death.
He welcomed the maggots and vultures
He never healed.

He wandered in the deserts and fasted but was never sanctified like Jesus.
He was also not glorified.
He did not have a bible as a portfolio.
He was weaker, lousier and fucked up.

*Must i repeat myself over and over again how fucked i am?
Everyone is smiling and happy.
I never did.

Suffering

2007-08-05T08:19:00.001-07:00

Suffer my soul, suffer.
Intoxicate yourself with the pestilence of self pity.
Roll around in the fiery coals of hopelessness
Forget most importantly all that is promised by God who patiently waits, for the moment of raining anguish.
He awaits with an umbrella to share.
I reject Him and He endures heartbreak when He sees me welcome the devil into my soft fragile core.
I allowed the devil to take away some supple delicate pieces of my soul
Leaving me incomplete, spoilt, damaged, destroyed.
Now wretched, I look up once again
At the offer of his umbrella in this heavy heavy storm.
I remember You, Your love, care and all that You have done for stupid me.
I slit my throat and die at my naivety.
Shameful.
Guilty.
Dead.

The Lord never gives up on my arrogant ass
He awaits my tide to lower
He waits for my curtains to draw back
He awaits to receive me whole heartedly.
His prodigal's son, into the arms of the forgiving loving Father of Himself.

Why does it always rain on me

2007-07-30T11:13:00.001-07:00

When nothing goes right as the day passes
And bad accumulates upon bad,
My sanity wavers,
My head groggy,
And I would shudder into hiding,
Fall into this silent somber attitude of heightened senses
And politely low-esteemed morbid-ness.
Pain would clutch my heart-strings
A lump would form in my throat
I would not care much about
What would happen next and I would accept
Any coming fate with a silent taking.

Oil of the Salmon

2007-07-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Slobby kisses,

Tainted lipses,

Love transfusion,

Rape ad treason.

make this go on forever

2007-07-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

sitting on a brown bench
watching the moth and clouds
listening to starsailor
making saliva bubbles
cranberry juice sits in the glass
the smell of crisp shortbread
lollipop and korropok
sunsetting and the water swivelling
a float berths at the pool side
people laughing and then a scream!
then surprises and clapping
a cake.
strawberries.
a couple kisses
a frog hops
a boy drinks his milk and steals a mint
the candle is blown out by the wind
connected,
this is the reason why i want to-

sylar

2007-07-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

there are possibly some dreams God would never allow
any human to dream of
that is to become leviathan
but unfortunately
unorthodoxly i became the devil one night in my dream

i remembered killing everybody
him her
and yes. you too.

2007-07-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

I fall back to the 2 of us again
A disturbing romance of brutality power and love.

the reminder

2007-07-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

Your air supply runs seethingly through your tight pipes
You find yourself walking warily on the eggshell pathway
And when the cradle holding all wisdom falls
Your soul falls and melts into pulp.

It’s then you’d see God
By your side
Who might have shortened your air supply
And positioned all those eggshells

To remind you
That you
Need Him.

humpty dumpty

2007-07-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life gets fucking hard.
I see everyone’s scornful eyes
Judging
I feel often like a victim of circumstance,
Of inability
Of sheer bad luck
Sometimes so many things go against my nature
Sometimes all you get is a cold shoulder
I feel all alone
Death tempts me once again.
How sweet would a life of no life be
How is heaven or even hell like?
Is eternal happiness or eternal guilt plausible?
If so are they feelings better than the sufferings of the world
That offered me shit
And piss to breathe on
Life is hard as it is abstractly silent
So abnormally normal.

No one sees the life the way I do
I fret and people never understand
I see God’s blinding protection over them
Making me stupid and odd
What justice is this?
No one holds my dilemma.
I’m inhuman
My consciousness drives me insane.
My consciousness drives me insane.
My consciousness drives me insane.
I am about to fall apart into many little pieces
That no one can piece together.

a tribute to lies

2007-07-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

lies o lies lies lies
its like a forbidden indulgence
like a cunning way to own it all
you lighten a day
get me through each phase so suavely
you reward undeservedly
you give me smiles
you add to a day's worth
you carry me through troubled waters
you enlarge my humble facade
you are a giving friend
you wear a consequential fate but its a consequence often never proven fatal

but you are what my parents warned me about
everyone denies they love you too
but i know secretly,
they indulge in your uplifting presence
once in a while
and they themselves would have a jolly good time
so here, i unabashedly write this tribute
to you
lies.

ungodalized me

2007-07-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

in the sea of life
hell surfaced and the church sank into the bottom of the forgotten
i let it.
out of sheer ignorance of matters.
demons of every kind crept closer than before and suddenly i feel so unsafe.
yet life goes on as mundanely as ever
staying away gives me a worser heart wrenching bite than doubt i used to have
is the feeling a feeling of emptiness
or is it of freedom?
like what non christians put it.
freedom. hmm... i'm getting excited now
but then comes another influx of feelings: guilt. uncertainty. fear.
see Lord, i'm chained to you out of mere emotions speak so.
no matter how i feel or perceive
i am still yours
forever.
whether i hope so
or not.

the answer?

2007-07-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

the answer is a God who lightens our load.
one who makes everything else not matter
one who we can finalize all things on
one who gives men peace and an end to settle on
one who is everything
oh God thank God for God

but
its still strange how much i can still feel so happy without a God for another week though...
and the poem crumbles into wasted pieces!

Misery sleeper

2007-07-10T05:24:00.000-07:00

6 July 2007 Bunker, 1.43am
It’s not me
But I do enjoy misery yes.
Every night before I sleep,
I never do quiet time anymore. Well so far.
I would huddle in a pseudo-self pity
I love wallowing in it
Better if I was proven guilty even though I did nothing wrong
This elevates the rush of blood and feelings into an intoxicating slur
Ecstasy I call it
As thoughts go all flurry and blurry.
Till the tingle in my chest
And the lump in my throat
Tears in my eyes and
The firm grip of my hands
Drive through enough blood away from my head and into my body.
Making me sleep easy.

Anyone like this too? Sometimes?

matrix

2007-07-08T02:07:00.000-07:00

Today I reached a matrixity while I slept
Another dimension where my life
Became what I feared most.
Maybe because
I
let
it.

Evening

2007-07-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

the end of a sunny day.
the beautiful sky
of the setting sun
creates the most beautiful soul
that cannot be fully captured by camera
when everyone has gone home
the place sits silent
and at peace with itself
at last
the people rushing home have missed Something.
the hard building that used to be a bustle is now
softened by desertion,
melted into a glowing work of immense beauty of imperfection
desertion and light.
the leaf crackle was the only movement upon the footpath scurrying
the occasional bird swoop past the unmoving backdrop
upon the swaying trees
and the breeze sang!
before i knew it,
the sun would set
and
the darkness
blanketed the beauty
for tomorrow
or maybe not.

The Transparency and the Wall of the Word

2007-07-02T18:22:00.001-07:00

Oh Lord almighty,

I see satan on the transparency!
You come to me in Word on the wall behind
satan attacks my soul!
I still see you in form of mere words!
I expect myself to defend myself like?

I feel helpless by Satan’s reflective technology
I am no longer able to reach you.
Struck down alone
I starve myself sometimes in hopes of hope.
For eating becomes a sin
I quiver in consequence of futility

Maybe
Just maybe I should drift and reach a wall to lean on.
It doesn’t have to belong to the Word
It could be anything.
Dangerously anything.

It would possibly rest my desperate heart.

Sinew stiches

2007-07-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

I grasp loosely onto the hems of Jesus' robes for dear life.
but my leprosy had already eaten up my fingers.
the fading sight of the sunset encapsulates the loss of a figure of hope and a pillar of peace;
so steadfast.
this brings me immense sorrow and overwhelming discomfort.
life becomes adrift as even the subconscious conscience seizes to resist nor exist.
i become an island hence inhuman.
my soul tries to tear the body open to escape but the stubborn bloody sinew stitched back every attempt. i find myself tortuously stuck,
claustrophobic.

i quiver and say "O Lord give me strength..."

Rats

2007-07-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

My journey

2007-07-02T09:01:00.001-07:00

Loser

2007-07-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

And he stared on-

without her knowing
of her own lingering presence
that she thought was a flutter;
but was actually like a long shadow
that had effectively crippled his heart,
ripping him
into a heap
of could-have-beens
and might haves.

loser.

The Inedible Pineapple

2007-07-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

The vitriolic entity is at an all time low
internally and is at the end of his tether.
his life's portfolio epitomizes a mere quiver.
his actions are inconsequential in intent and
his esteem is low and gives in weak; easily.
He wishes to be everyone else
who has pain more tangible to spell out their fate that is more certain
than being one who floats aimlessly.
He wants to die and meet his Maker
and not bear fighting himself against himself and go around in circles till dizziness sets in;
likening a drunken stupor.
He at the same time is the type
who advances through the malls of materialism
with an aimless countenance
and goes home to embrace his loves.
Still emptiness load the individual
who has everything he needed;
as wants ricocheted through the walls
of his angst-ridden soul that he manipulates
to fill up the rotted trenches of incompetence.
He sits on his velvet throne
and decadent comforts of his home.
Jitter-tapping his fingers
upon the arm rest,
about to explode in affluent comforts
that he never deserved.

Failure Rocks

2007-06-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

upon hearing the words that spelt out doom
oh the thrilling feeling of wastedness and opportunity.
it leaves just a physical entity and fallen soul
you drift into a moment of thoughtlessness
an all-encompassing aura of heartbreak
like accidentally dropping a fatal explosive
but you die inside.
the assimilation of fighting spirit encircles the angry gut
you feel dissapointment and hatred at all vague and possible causes
and also the inner tension almost pops
the feeling of wastedness and ruptured opportunity
the feeling of being cheated as the much deserved becomes a self mockery.
you hate yourself but blame everything else.
life sucked even more.

failure happens my friends
failure rocks.

hate

2007-06-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

he stands so strong and arrogant beside me, he thinks his head is above the clouds. he raises his status by pushing others' down, stripping away all your efforts and initiatives. he is a fierce competitor all out to rise above the rest. his welcoming facade and pleasant smile can be interpreted as one of a cunning devil. cyf.

the blurred surreal is so real
as it overcast my weary eyes
floating bright lights
the gravel on the ground sits coarse
i heaved and hoed
semiconscious
my legs ran on auto at a
pace i'm not allowed to alter
i needed to halt but regimentation over negotiation pushed me on
and on

still being too slow, i was, am and will never be good enough.

C.C.C

2007-06-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

she didn't say what i did wrong
she didn't look like she cared
i guessed i was merely another slab of meat to her
her way of telling me was so frustrating
i felt like bashing her afterward
she didn't even look at me
she merely expected me to accept her decision

i left with my heart on the seat i sat
i felt the course was a fulfilling the experience
i hope i do have a good time too.
i still wish you had known me for me
not what you thought i was
judge me again. properly.
thanks again for rejecting me so abruptly.
thanks for leaving the pain last in suspense
you m____f____ blind a_____.

weaklessness

2007-05-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

this is like writing a suicide note every night.
i didn't need God this week.
again.

must be the comforts of today.
i see myself disfiguring my silhouette's facade
(a double vagueness)
in the future
as i pee-quiver at the thrill of walking on egg shells.

Praying to see Him
is in some way, totally ironic.
hillsong is starting to make me puke with nausea as today's front page depicts a pastor's singer wife lavish over golden taps she own.
some people die with no one in his arms.

I yawn at the sea of hand clappers and arm raisers
is this an all time spiritual low,
or is this an all time reality-check high?
i grasp onto the hem of Jesus'robes dear life.
so much help for something so tough makes me feel guilty.
the loss of a figure of hope to keep on living
and a pillar of inner peace
brings immense sorrow
discomfort
discontent.

When life becomes a drifty state
when the subconscious subconscience seizes to exist
you can see it in me

And you saw it.

Bullet

2007-05-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

bullet
a shot in the head.

the bullet soothed through my left temple
as smooth as a knife
oh and i felt an immense euphoria
of peace
a spiritual
embrace
an icy flush
of estacy
but soon
a wave of surging loss and pain
brimmed the atmosphere and i
fell
down into the abyss
where there is gnashing of teeth